About the Author Living to die or dying to live As a child, my observations and perceptions of the world were disturbing. People seemed to be living unconsciously and in fear for themselves and others: fear of change, of something ending. Those around me seemed to be living to die. Somehow this didn't have the ring of truth to me even at an early age. Shouldn't we be dying (as in wanting) to live? Actually, though I didn't understand it at as a child, this concept of dying to live was a God-given. I now know I am dying to live. I pray for the death, the total surrender, of my ego: my will, my way, in my time, to You God. And Love has Most Graciously Gifted me with many trial-opportunities to overcome a self-centered me-willed life. Truth has Awakened me to a conscious realization and acceptance of a basic principal in a Spirit-centered life: one must die to self to live for God as Christ. Daily I work and pray to die a bit more. I pray to surrender even a degree more of my heart, soul, and mind, to Heart-within, to Soul-within, and to Mind-within. My Spirit-employment is listening and obeying God-within. Marriage, family, church work, physical challenges, all scenes, are Vehicles God-within Allows for me to demonstrate Christian discipleship: the Spirit-practice of choosing to listen and obey God Through the details of Love's Day. Although I was raised with what could have been identified as tremendous mother love (always well intended), with fear as a motivation for most actions, this mother love grew into a "smother" love. Our relationship, in my late teens, became very difficult. Misguided fear-based love, though well intended, always results in a desperate need to control, for the personally justified need to protect. Being under the influence of another's fear is tormenting. Parenting from a place of fear is not Love's Way. In high school, because I was never permitted to close the door to my bedroom for privacy, I was driven to find a private place within. This turned out to be a God-blessing. I continue to pray for myself, my mother, and all mankind's freedom from being consumed with and motivated by fear resulting in devastating effects. As a teen I chose to be an obedient child and wasn't taken in by typical teen temptations (drugs, sex, cliques, desire for popularity) so her fears were not justified even from that standpoint. I went out of town for college, which relieved some of the pressure. But distance didn't solve anything. Little did I know at the time, the mother and family God-within Chose for me was absolutely Spirit-tailor-made for the spiritual growth specific to Love's Need and Purpose for me. I now know the problem was never ever my mother. Through this family scene, Love was Calling me to a conscious relationship with Truth-within. Away during the college school year, having experienced four years of some freedom through distance from the personal control, I must have unconsciously feared returning home. Re-entering the scene seemed too much for me to bear. One month before I was to graduate from college, I made a loud and painful cry for help through my actions. I didn't realize what I was doing and why until years later. These actions shocked those who knew me. I eloped. I am now aware eloping was an unconscious attempt to escape the mental control. The marriage lasted three years and during this time I remained in mental torment. Escaping by eloping solved nothing. How could it! The problem was never my mother. During the last few months of the marriage (ending in divorce) and into a new relationship, I was coping with a chronic physical problem. On top of it, I became pregnant and soon entered a new marriage (unfortunately in that order). I feared telling anyone the actual extent of my physical pain, my ex-husband, my new husband, and especially my mother. I was in excruciating constant pain for a full year. I just didn't need others fears to deal with as well as my own. So I went to the only private and safe place I knew, the Holy Place-within revealed to me as a child - I prayerfully went to God-within. I began a conscious and desperate search for freedom. I began to glimpse the physical pain and mental turmoil regarding the relationship with my mother were connected but I wasn't sure how. I literally felt I was dying. And I was. Unbeknownst to me, God Was Involved with every detail of this trial and, as I now understand, was Working in a typically "Strange Way." I was losing my life in this world and God Was Calling me out of my worldly grave of fear to live and move and breathe Oneness with Father-Mother Love-within. I lay alone in bed one evening, paralyzed by fear...and with a surrendered heart and literally little breath left in me, with tears that physically burned my cheeks as they rolled down, I humbly pleaded aloud, "Please, God Help me. What do You Want of me? What do You Want me to know? What do You Want me to do? Anything." A strong gentle presence, an ethereal face unforgettable, hovered over my bed and spoke: Hate the sin and love the sinner. I knew it Jesus. He was speaking to me of my mother. I never thought I hated her or anyone but I was being shown that my intense fear of being controlled by her was a form of hatred. I was not loving her - I was fearing her. I needed to love her as Jesus loves her, as our Father's Beloved Child. At that moment I bathed in cooling tears of repentance. I humbly asked forgiveness for my pride and ignorance and drifted off to sleep. Upon waking I could feel something was definitely different. I felt a bit stronger mentally and physically. The dramatic physical symptoms had lessened. The second day I was even stronger and by the third day I was completely free from all alarming symptoms. I was free from pain for the first time in over a year and free from years of mental anguish. I was healed of being consumed with the sin of hating a person rather than hating the sin of human control. I chose to hate fear and love my mother. All this, the physical pain, the transforming healing, assimilating what happened, was taking place during the pregnancy of our first daughter. Three days after returning home from her birth, there were complications. I was rushed back to the hospital needing eight blood transfusions. As doctors were administering tests, they found a concerning shadow on an x-ray. Though I was released after several days, two weeks later I was readmitted into the hospital for major exploratory lung surgery. Somehow I knew the "shadow" was related to the year of pain. And yet I didn't have a shadow of doubt I had been healed. Why then was this all coming up again? Did I need to go through the surgery? Turning in prayer, Father-within Made it Clear I was to follow through with the surgery. I didn't understand why, but Mother Love-within Filled me with such Reassuring Peace, obedience was irresistible. I obeyed. After the surgery, Truth Delivered another Gift. The surgery proved the shadow benign. You God Affirmed I had been healed through prayer of a terminal lung disease. You Showed me the need for genuine Spirit-repentance as Your Spirit-foundation, always necessary to humbly awaken to Your Gift of Truth-within that Frees. Did God Get my full attention this time? A lot more than that! I came out of this experience a different person. I was Spirit-converted. Reborn of the Spirit. Baptized-within. My longing to be love-parented was Filled by God, Love. Father-Mother Love is always present. Human parents are not. This experience was the Spirit-foundation for a Spirit-way of life, an ongoing moment-to-moment process of spiritual rebirth. This is what I was unknowingly, in the depths of my soul, searching for. Not freedom from a person's control, Spirit-freedom within me. This is what all are searching for - permanent freedom-within. What a gift to consciously enter into God's Spirit-process of rebirth, which leads to the Freedom of Christ, Truth-within. Actually, as God Is Within all, all are in a spiritual growth process of rebirth, whether conscious of it or not. But being Spirit-conscious brings Spirit-endurance, even Spirit-joy Through trials, resulting in the Spirit-peace of Christ-within. God's Gifting of the above healing was over 40 years ago. Never has there been a recurrence of the physical problem and the humbling relationship with my dear mother is as invaluable as ever. Out of all this came the Call to a full-time healing/teaching ministry in a Protestant faith. For the next 20 years I was in the full-time public practice of Christian Science. After 11 years of my second marriage with three precious daughters, my husband and I were divorced...more spiritual growth. I was a single parent four years. More spiritual growth. Then remarried. In this newly extended family, we had seven children between us with five teenagers in our home at one time...a whole lot of spiritual growth. After four years, my sweet husband passed on unexpectedly. Another major rebirth. I was a single parent four more years. During this time Strangely (often Love's Way), God Called me to separate from the Christian Science Church. I painfully obeyed though I was deeply saddened. Yet I knew there had to be a bigger picture - Truth's Bigger Picture. And there was. I met a man (different from me in every basic human way) who was to become my husband. This unexpected marriage was to a Catholic and it took place during the end of a Saturday evening Mass. It was a Sacramental marriage - simply meaning for me, in conscious obedience to the Will of God. I was sacrificing my personal will to remain single for Love's Bigger Picture Purpose. To my absolute surprise, several years later God Called me into the Catholic Church. This was in May of 2003. Though I was doubtful, I chose to obey. Deeply puzzled, even kicking and screaming a bit, I experienced the innocent wonder of Mary: How can this be? My Catholic journey has proven to be Spirit-tailor-made to specific spiritual growth God-within Knew I needed. The day after entering into full communion with the Church during the Easter Vigil, I prayerfully asked, "What now?" Within the first month, God Inspired a simple process to help me remain focused on Truth and then Asked me to make this process known and available to parishioners. Through me, God Planted, Carried, and Delivered a new/old ministry Naming it Inreach. Within the same month, I had a meeting to introduce parishioners to this Bible Practice. The next week we had our first weekly Inreach testimony meeting. Twelve years later meetings continue. My experience within the Catholic Church was humbling. Through this walk God Exposed and Rebuked my ego-opinions about the church, and personal judgments based on my misperceptions and fears about certain dogmas and ways of the church. I was constantly reminded the greater sin is not what others are doing or not doing, rather my personal judgment about what others are doing, based on what appears to be going on rather than on Truth's Bigger Picture. Just as my mother was never the issue of my concern, the Catholic Church was never to be the issue of my concern. Early on I was rebuked as Love Through Jesus Rebuked Peter, You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do. Matthew 16:23. Many is the time, during my Catholic journey, I have found myself prostrate with chin on the floor in humility and repentance for personally judging. I consider it a Holy Gift to have witnessed the profound Spirit-beauty, Spirit-depth, and Spirit-sincerity Throughout Catholic history Through the lives of saints known and unknown, then and now. And my peace is knowing everything (family, church organization, all relations) is always About what God-within all is Doing to Bring all Closer to Eternal Life-within. After 10 years of marriage, May 2009, my faithful husband passed on. So much more emptying. I asked God, "Now what?" I was then Called to move from Florida to Tennessee, to set up Inreach in a new parish. Early in 2013, God Called me to separate from the Catholic Church. Again saddened, I obeyed. More Spirit-growth and ego-emptying. My oldest daughter lives in Knoxville with her husband and two sons. She was instrumental in bringing together young mothers of a variety of faiths to participate in Inreach. God Continues to Call me to Heaven-within. Love is my Only Employer and serving Truth is my Only employment. The moment-to-moment practice of dying to worldly self so as to live as Christ, Christ-within, by Spirit-listening and Spirit-obeying is Love's Way of Life for me. This Spirit-work is the Work of Eternity. All Spirit-history God Creates Through all human history God Allows, trials and triumphs, joys and sorrows, is About One thing: what Love-within is Doing to Bring all Closer to Life-within, so we may live Spirit-conscious in the Freedom of Truth-within, and, therefore, be One with Christ-within all. Amen.
