Lily Bailey

Because We Are Bad (eBook, ePUB)

OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought

• Format: ePub

Produktbeschreibung

A dazzling memoir of obsession

'Extremely compelling' - The Guardian
'Searing... funny, eloquent and honest' - Psychologies
'Remarkable... I hope this book finds a wide readership' - Washington Post

As a child, Lily Bailey knew she was bad.

By the age of 13, she had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and spied upon her classmates.

Only by performing a series of secret routines could she correct her wrongdoing. But it was never enough. She had a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it came with a bizarre twist.

This true story lights up the mind like Mark Haddon or Matt Haig.

Anyone who wants to know about OCD, and how to fight back, should read this book.

Reviews

Model and journalist Bailey offers an authentic and stunning account of her struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in this beautifully-rendered memoir. (Publishers Weekly)

I laughed, I cried. I could not put this book down. Intensely moving with flashes of black humour, Because We Are Bad is the compelling account of one young woman's experience of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (Rosanna Greenstreet, freelance journalist)

Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento. Because We Are Bad is an intense heart-rending roller coaster of a book. (Will Black, HuffPost UK)

A harrowingly honest memoir of profound psychological struggle. In her courageous book, the author offers compelling insight into the pain and destructive power of OCD as well as the resilience of a young woman determined to beat the odds. (Kirkus Reviews)

A fascinating read. It's brilliantly written; I felt inside your head (Ray D'Arcy Show, RTE Radio 1)

Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations. (James Lloyd, OCD-UK)

Remarkable... She writes with literary poise and a gift for mordant observation and self-deprecating humor that belie her youth. I hope this book finds a wide readership. It will offer solace to OCD sufferers who will understand that they are not alone and who might gain hope of remission; for other readers, it will provide a harrowing sense of what many OCD sufferers have to endure just to get through the day. (Scott Stossel, Washington Post)

It's a fascinating read... Buy the book! Buy the book! (Jo Good, BBC Radio London)

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Produktdetails

• Verlag: Canbury
• Erscheinungstermin: 12. Mai 2016
• Englisch
• ISBN-13: 9780993040733
• Artikelnr.: 47392407

Autorenporträt

Lily Bailey on why she wrote Because We Are Bad: OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought (Canbury Press), extracted from an interview by The Guardian

Guardian: Your book is deeply personal. Is it difficult having people know so much about you and the secret thoughts that made you think you were a terrible person? Lily Bailey: Yes! I started dating this guy and he was all, "So shall I read the book or not?" And I was like, "Dear God, please DO NOT read the book!" Not that I wouldn't have wanted to tell him about what I go through in time, but if someone I care about is going to find out that I worry about people thinking I'm a sexual predator, I'd kind of rather they heard it from me.

What did you want to achieve by writing it? Well it's unlikely you're going to write something so exposing without very good reason. I had just gotten to a point where I was really tired of people having such a limited understanding of what it really means to have OCD. OCD is the fourth most common mental health condition, yet most people have no idea about how it actually works. I get really annoyed that I had no idea about any of this stuff when I was younger, and therefore I never told anyone. I didn't know because my only understanding of OCD was that it involved being a perfectionist. So when people use the phrase in the wrong way, it literally costs people years of their life, because it stops them having any real understanding of what they're going through and getting help.

, 28 May 2017

Inhaltsangabe

Table of Contents
1. Chesbury Hospital. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private
facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is
19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses’ station; they keep you
there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.'
2. My Friend. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not
the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side
in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn’t even have a name; she
was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.'
3. The Letter. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible
news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news
must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has
died: Lily killed him with a thought.
4. New School. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children
laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh
start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop
breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive.
5. Mum and Dad. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the
swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines
intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing
worsens.
6. Swearing in Church. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we
can’t make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit,
wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a
mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'.
7. Most Apologetic Girl. At the Buxton House Leavers’ Awards, Lily receives
an unusual award. ‘I’m sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the
corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I
wasn’t laughing at you.’
8. Hambledon. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify.
'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are
generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when
everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a
day.
9. Running from Words. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that
form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer
breathlessness - will silence her mind.
10. Stumbling. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her
lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl
up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us
feel better, but today they don't'
11. Special Needs Department. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra
time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue
with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy
cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.'
12. Coming Home. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from
school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who
prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her
iron is low. She is referred to a specialist
13. Doctor, Doctor. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the
first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she
ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is
good'
14. Pills, Pills, Pills. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr
Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried
about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and
mocks her.
15. Driving. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch. Lily's friend is
protesting, whining. Dr Funch says: ‘You know who your “friend” reminds me
of? A wife beater. She beats you up in your head and calls you names when
you don’t do what she says, and you follow her instructions because you’re
scared'
16. Those Who Love Me. Dr Finch sets Lily homework of graded exposure. To
help cure her OCD, she has to resist recording lists of people she cares
the least about. Lily decides she must do everything to make Dr Finch
happy. But Lily wants to stop taking the anti-depressants she has been
prescribed
17. Thailand. Working in a nursery in London, Lily fears she has abused the
children or that their food is unhygienic. During a gap year at a Thai
orphanage, Lily's intrusive thoughts mock her. Her friend cackles about the
basic washing up: 'Are you going to get sick?'
18. Dublin. Lily starts an English degree at Trinity College, lodging at
university halls in Rathmines. The voice in her head grows frantic during
Freshers Week, and she writes to Dr Finch about managing her OCD. Dr Finch
says: 'Tackling OCD involves taking risks to find out what actually
happens'
19. It Is My Fault. Things reach a crisis point in Lily's life and she
decides to give up her battle against the voice in her head, her OCD, the
endless list-making and routines. She is found by her university friends
and an ambulance is called
20. Mental Ward. Lily is transferred from intensive care in an Irish
hospital to the psychiatric unit. She tells the psychiatrist: ‘I’m a bad
person. I spend my life trying to be good and it’s never enough.’ ‘Is there
anything else?’ ‘I love my doctor. I’m obsessed by her. It’s not an OCD
thing.'
21. Harley Street. Back in London after returning from Ireland, Lily is
festering, writing endless lists. She is taken to a private consultation in
Harley Street. Dr Dax says she will admit Lily to a private hospital in
London, Chesbury. Lily escapes from her parents and ends up in a high-rise
flat.
22. Urine Test. Worried that she will contract HIV and die, Lily is forced
to give blood - and a urine sample is demanded. Lily recites the Old list:
I am preoccupied with four categories: BITCH LIAR, BODILY FUNCTIONS and
PERVERT.
23. Loser, Friend. Lily's list-making continues apace as her obsessive
compulsions continue even during treatment, but she finds a friend and
soulmate in Frankie and they have adventures together, breaking into an old
part of the Victorian hospital building.
24. Skating. Lily complains that Dr Dax at Chesbury Hospital is not giving
her CBT for her OCD. 'I scream at her and ask her why she keeps changing my
medication without explanation. My SPOILT category is going into overdrive,
but for once, I don’t care.'
25. Ashleaves. Lily is transferred to a rural hospital. She still goes
through her OCD routines, including the list-making, but her medication is
stablised – and she is given CBT to combat her obsessive behaviour
26. Nursery. Discharged from the hospital, Lily starts work at a local
nursery in London. 'I picture the 0.01% of germs that couldn’t be washed
off by the antibacterial soap crawling from my naked fingers deep into an
apple segment, ready to be delivered into the innocent mouth of an
unsuspecting child'
27. Journalism. Still suffering from OCD, Lily gets an internship at a
local magazine and meets an attractive surfer dude, Doug. Lily wonders if
she is introducing obscene terms into the articles she writes. Lily gets a
dog, Rocky, and finds that she does not worry about him being unhygienic
28. Rocky. Lily is encouraged to an OCD support class, where she finds
talking to fellow sufferers helps. 'I remember what Dr Finch said: ‘Your
routines feed off isolation'.'
29. The Truth. Lily meets an older man and slowly comes to terms with her
OCD. I have existed for 21 years. I didn’t live them all, but from now on I
am hoping to. Sometimes... grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner
guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table.'

Rezensionen

'Extremely compelling' - The Guardian 'Remarkable... She writes with literary poise and a gift for mordant observation and self-deprecating humour that belie her youth. I hope this book finds a wide readership. It will offer solace to OCD sufferers... for other readers, it will provide a harrowing sense of what many OCD sufferers have to endure just to get through the day.' - Scott Stossel, Washington Post 'Model and journalist Bailey offers an authentic and stunning account of her struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in this beautifully-rendered memoir.' - Publishers Weekly 'Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento.' - Will Black, Huffpost UK 'A harrowingly honest memoir of profound psychological struggle. In her courageous book, the author offers compelling insight into the pain and destructive power of OCD as well as the resilience of a young woman determined to beat the odds.' - Kirkus Reviews 'A fascinating read. It's brilliantly written; I felt inside your head' - Ray D'Arcy Show, RTE Radio 1 'Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations.' - James Lloyd, OCD-UK 'I laughed, I cried. I could not put this book down. Intensely moving with flashes of black humour, Because We Are Bad is the compelling account of one young woman's experience of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.' - Rosanna Greenstreet, freelance journalist 'It's a fascinating read... Buy the book! Buy the book!' - Jo Good, BBC Radio London