Lily Bailey

Because We Are Bad (eBook, ePUB)

OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought

• Format: ePub

Produktbeschreibung

Journalist Lily Bailey's memoir Because We Are Bad reveals her childhood battle with obsessive compulsive disorder, and her hard-won journey to recovery. A Washington Post Best Book of the Year By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. Only by performing an exhausting series of secret routines could she make up for what she'd done. But no matter how intricate or repetitive, no act of penance was ever enough. Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself-"I" became "we"-to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they ordered, organized, and urged her forward. Lily charts her journey, from checking on her younger sister dozens of times a night, to "normalizing" herself at school among new friends as she grew older, and finally to her young adult years, learning-indeed, breaking through-to make a way for herself in a big, wide world that refuses to stay in check. Charming and raw, harrowing and redemptive, Because We Are Bad is an illuminating and uplifting look into the mind and soul of an extraordinary young woman, and a startling portrait of OCD that allows us to see and understand this condition as never before. "One of the best [books] I have read on the phenomenology of OCD." -Washington Post

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Produktdetails

• Verlag: HarperCollins
• Seitenzahl: 257
• Erscheinungstermin: 21. November 2023
• Englisch
• ISBN-13: 9780062696182
• Artikelnr.: 52239206

Autorenporträt

Lily Bailey is a model and writer. She became a journalist in London in 2012, editing a news site and writing features and fashion articles for local publications including The Richmond Magazine and The Kingston Magazine. Lily lives in London with her dog, Rocky.

Inhaltsangabe

TABLE OF CONTENTS
1. CHESBURY HOSPITAL. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private
facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is
19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses’ station; they keep you
there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.'
2. MY FRIEND. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not
the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side
in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn’t even have a name; she
was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.'
3. THE LETTER. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible
news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news
must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has
died: Lily killed him with a thought.
4. NEW SCHOOL. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children
laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh
start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop
breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive.
5. MUM AND DAD. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the
swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines
intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing
worsens.
6. SWEARING IN CHURCH. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we
can’t make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit,
wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a
mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'.
7. MOST APOLOGETIC GIRL. At the Buxton House Leavers’ Awards, Lily receives
an unusual award. ‘I’m sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the
corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I
wasn’t laughing at you.’
8. HAMBLEDON. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify.
'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are
generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when
everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a
day.
9. RUNNING FROM WORDS. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that
form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer
breathlessness - will silence her mind.
10. STUMBLING. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her
lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl
up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us
feel better, but today they don't'
11. SPECIAL NEEDS DEPARTMENT. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra
time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue
with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy
cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.'
12. COMING HOME. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from
school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who
prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her
iron is low. She is referred to a specialist
13. DOCTOR, DOCTOR. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the
first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she
ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is
good'
14. PILLS, PILLS, PILLS. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr
Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried
about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and
mocks her.
15. DRIVING. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch. Lily's friend is
protesting, whining. Dr Funch says: ‘You know who your “friend” reminds me
of? A wife beater. She beats you up in your head and calls you names when
you don’t do what she says, and you follow her instructions because you’re
scared'
16. THOSE WHO LOVE ME. Dr Finch sets Lily homework of graded exposure. To
help cure her OCD, she has to resist recording lists of people she cares
the least about. Lily decides she must do everything to make Dr Finch
happy. But Lily wants to stop taking the anti-depressants she has been
prescribed
17. THAILAND. Working in a nursery in London, Lily fears she has abused the
children or that their food is unhygienic. During a gap year at a Thai
orphanage, Lily's intrusive thoughts mock her. Her friend cackles about the
basic washing up: 'Are you going to get sick?'
18. DUBLIN. Lily starts an English degree at Trinity College, lodging at
university halls in Rathmines. The voice in her head grows frantic during
Freshers Week, and she writes to Dr Finch about managing her OCD. Dr Finch
says: 'Tackling OCD involves taking risks to find out what actually
happens'
19. IT IS MY FAULT. Things reach a crisis point in Lily's life and she
decides to give up her battle against the voice in her head, her OCD, the
endless list-making and routines. She is found by her university friends
and an ambulance is called
20. MENTAL WARD. Lily is transferred from intensive care in an Irish
hospital to the psychiatric unit. She tells the psychiatrist: ‘I’m a bad
person. I spend my life trying to be good and it’s never enough.’ ‘Is there
anything else?’ ‘I love my doctor. I’m obsessed by her. It’s not an OCD
thing.'
21. HARLEY STREET. Back in London after returning from Ireland, Lily is
festering, writing endless lists. She is taken to a private consultation in
Harley Street. Dr Dax says she will admit Lily to a private hospital in
London, Chesbury. Lily escapes from her parents and ends up in a high-rise
flat.
22. URINE TEST. Worried that she will contract HIV and die, Lily is forced
to give blood - and a urine sample is demanded. Lily recites the Old list:
I am preoccupied with four categories: BITCH LIAR, BODILY FUNCTIONS and
PERVERT.
23. LOSER, FRIEND. Lily's list-making continues apace as her obsessive
compulsions continue even during treatment, but she finds a friend and
soulmate in Frankie and they have adventures together, breaking into an old
part of the Victorian hospital building.
24. SKATING. Lily complains that Dr Dax at Chesbury Hospital is not giving
her CBT for her OCD. 'I scream at her and ask her why she keeps changing my
medication without explanation. My SPOILT category is going into overdrive,
but for once, I don’t care.'
25. ASHLEAVES. Lily is transferred to a rural hospital. She still goes
through her OCD routines, including the list-making, but her medication is
stablised – and she is given CBT to combat her obsessive behaviour
26. NURSERY. Discharged from the hospital, Lily starts work at a local
nursery in London. 'I picture the 0.01% of germs that couldn’t be washed
off by the antibacterial soap crawling from my naked fingers deep into an
apple segment, ready to be delivered into the innocent mouth of an
unsuspecting child'
27. JOURNALISM. Still suffering from OCD, Lily gets an internship at a
local magazine and meets an attractive surfer dude, Doug. Lily wonders if
she is introducing obscene terms into the articles she writes. Lily gets a
dog, Rocky, and finds that she does not worry about him being unhygienic
28. ROCKY. Lily is encouraged to an OCD support class, where she finds
talking to fellow sufferers helps. 'I remember what Dr Finch said: ‘Your
routines feed off isolation'.'
29. THE TRUTH. Lily meets an older man and slowly comes to terms with her
OCD. I have existed for 21 years. I didn’t live them all, but from now on I
am hoping to. Sometimes... grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner
guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table.'

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TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. CHESBURY HOSPITAL. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is 19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses' station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.' 2. MY FRIEND. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn't even have a name; she was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.' 3. THE LETTER. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has died: Lily killed him with a thought. 4. NEW SCHOOL. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive. 5. MUM AND DAD. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing worsens. 6. SWEARING IN CHURCH. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we can't make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit, wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'. 7. MOST APOLOGETIC GIRL. At the Buxton House Leavers' Awards, Lily receives an unusual award. 'I'm sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I wasn't laughing at you.' 8. HAMBLEDON. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify. 'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a day. 9. RUNNING FROM WORDS. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer breathlessness - will silence her mind. 10. STUMBLING. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us feel better, but today they don't' 11. SPECIAL NEEDS DEPARTMENT. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.' 12. COMING HOME. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her iron is low. She is referred to a specialist 13. DOCTOR, DOCTOR. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is good' 14. PILLS, PILLS, PILLS. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and mocks her. 15. DRIVING. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch.