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This raw and brutally honest memoir chronicles one man's lifelong battle against the cunning, baffling, and powerful disease of addiction. From stumbling into alcoholism as a youngster to decades grappling with substance abuse, the author lays bare the harsh realities of being trapped in addiction's relentless grip.
The book opens with Clinton Samuel Krouse admitting he suffers from the disease of addiction, which took over his life from a young age. Dop was his first demon, which spiralled into using cocaine, crystal meth, buttons, and other hard drugs. He recounts how his obsession with drugs escalated rapidly, leading him to spend over R50,000 per month to fuel his habits, even turning to extreme violence against dealers. One hectic chapter details how he was stabbed and nearly bled to death after confronting a skelm dealer.
Despite staring into the abyss of addiction's darkest depths, the author found the inner strength to get clean at times, seeking help from rehab programmes funded by his supportive son, Matthew. However, he continued battling cycles of relapse, guilt, self-hatred, and broken promises to loved ones for years. Every seeming step forward was derailed by the disease's powerful pull, dragging him back into the agonising depths of substance abuse.
The emotional toll on his family, especially his ex-wife Elmarie, son Matthew, and daughter Kaila, is expressed deeply. He lays bare the destruction his erratic, uncontrolled behaviour and constant lies caused to his closest relationships during addiction's darkest days. The author confronts how his selfish pursuit of the drug-induced high robbed those he loved most of peace, stability, and happiness.
The author also chronicles the devastation of losing both parents and grandparents, who were core pillars in his world, to illness and old age. Their passing deeply impacted him, becoming a driving motivation to finally ditch addiction for good after realising the permanence of their absence. Particularly heartbreaking is his ma's unexpected death right after emergency heart surgery, haunted by her final "I love you" as she was rushed away for medical care.
Tough love from his family and hitting rock bottom became the wake-up call that crushed his denial about being powerless over addiction. He accepted that recovery would require complete abstinence and a total personal transformation one day at a time. After many relapses, he found strength through faith in God and a 12-step programme at the Four Brothers Drug Recovery Centre.
The memoir represents brutally honest self-reflection, giving voice to long-buried secrets about the shameful depths addiction led him towards uncontrolled rages, criminal behaviour, and self-destruction that nearly killed him. It offers a raw look at the trail of collateral damage his substance abuse left across every aspect of his life and his most treasured relationships.
Yet from those ashes emerges a powerful redemption story offering hope that recovery is possible, no matter how hopeless addiction seems. The author outlines a comprehensive relapse prevention plan based on accepting addiction as an incurable disease, developing healthy routines, avoiding triggers, and renewing the mind through spirituality. He hopes that baring his soul can help save others from sinking into the same harrowing abyss.
The memoir closes with the author feeling liberated by sobriety and equipped with tools from rehab to remain clean going forward. His new purpose is using the harsh lessons from his past as a cautionary tale to guide others struggling with addiction towards recovery, before they lose everything as he did. Now studying to become a substance abuse counsellor, he aims to open his own facility and be an inspirational example that no one is destined to remain forever poisoned by addiction's venom if they choose recovery.
The book opens with Clinton Samuel Krouse admitting he suffers from the disease of addiction, which took over his life from a young age. Dop was his first demon, which spiralled into using cocaine, crystal meth, buttons, and other hard drugs. He recounts how his obsession with drugs escalated rapidly, leading him to spend over R50,000 per month to fuel his habits, even turning to extreme violence against dealers. One hectic chapter details how he was stabbed and nearly bled to death after confronting a skelm dealer.
Despite staring into the abyss of addiction's darkest depths, the author found the inner strength to get clean at times, seeking help from rehab programmes funded by his supportive son, Matthew. However, he continued battling cycles of relapse, guilt, self-hatred, and broken promises to loved ones for years. Every seeming step forward was derailed by the disease's powerful pull, dragging him back into the agonising depths of substance abuse.
The emotional toll on his family, especially his ex-wife Elmarie, son Matthew, and daughter Kaila, is expressed deeply. He lays bare the destruction his erratic, uncontrolled behaviour and constant lies caused to his closest relationships during addiction's darkest days. The author confronts how his selfish pursuit of the drug-induced high robbed those he loved most of peace, stability, and happiness.
The author also chronicles the devastation of losing both parents and grandparents, who were core pillars in his world, to illness and old age. Their passing deeply impacted him, becoming a driving motivation to finally ditch addiction for good after realising the permanence of their absence. Particularly heartbreaking is his ma's unexpected death right after emergency heart surgery, haunted by her final "I love you" as she was rushed away for medical care.
Tough love from his family and hitting rock bottom became the wake-up call that crushed his denial about being powerless over addiction. He accepted that recovery would require complete abstinence and a total personal transformation one day at a time. After many relapses, he found strength through faith in God and a 12-step programme at the Four Brothers Drug Recovery Centre.
The memoir represents brutally honest self-reflection, giving voice to long-buried secrets about the shameful depths addiction led him towards uncontrolled rages, criminal behaviour, and self-destruction that nearly killed him. It offers a raw look at the trail of collateral damage his substance abuse left across every aspect of his life and his most treasured relationships.
Yet from those ashes emerges a powerful redemption story offering hope that recovery is possible, no matter how hopeless addiction seems. The author outlines a comprehensive relapse prevention plan based on accepting addiction as an incurable disease, developing healthy routines, avoiding triggers, and renewing the mind through spirituality. He hopes that baring his soul can help save others from sinking into the same harrowing abyss.
The memoir closes with the author feeling liberated by sobriety and equipped with tools from rehab to remain clean going forward. His new purpose is using the harsh lessons from his past as a cautionary tale to guide others struggling with addiction towards recovery, before they lose everything as he did. Now studying to become a substance abuse counsellor, he aims to open his own facility and be an inspirational example that no one is destined to remain forever poisoned by addiction's venom if they choose recovery.
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