Reflections
The Spiritual Struggles of a Non-Conformist
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I am an impulsive non-conformist. I can't help it. I was born that way. Its in my DNA. I break the rules. There are consequences. Hell to pay. I claimed I was a free spirit but with reckless abandon I made costly financial decisions. My ego driven marriage and financial failures added to low self-esteem, repeating cycles of severe anxiety and clinical depression. My self-identity became fueled by negative self-talk over many years. But repressed feelings of remorse, unconscious shame and guilt, formed a damaged psyche. Periods of great success never lasted. I was an enigma to family and friend...
I am an impulsive non-conformist. I can't help it. I was born that way. Its in my DNA. I break the rules. There are consequences. Hell to pay. I claimed I was a free spirit but with reckless abandon I made costly financial decisions. My ego driven marriage and financial failures added to low self-esteem, repeating cycles of severe anxiety and clinical depression. My self-identity became fueled by negative self-talk over many years. But repressed feelings of remorse, unconscious shame and guilt, formed a damaged psyche. Periods of great success never lasted. I was an enigma to family and friends. A smart, hardworking, compassionate woman who helped many people couldn't help herself. Then I had a sudden revelation of self-awareness twelve years ago. I discovered my true nature. In spite of all my flaws, I had a dramatic vision that changed my life. In a moment of a powerful conscious awareness, I realized that I am a spiritual being living on this earth for a divine purpose. I realized that we are all here as extensions of the omnipotent creative force of our universe that some refer to as Source Energy or God. I was freed of long lasting depressions and suicidal ideation. For my readers who are living in a state of shame and guilt I wish to let you know it is never too late to stop the torment of your lying mind and feel sustainable joy. To know your true worth. As an adult I had noble strengths and ideals. I devoted myself to the betterment of others. Yet I punished myself by making comparisons to others. I felt I was never good enough. Overachieving was a sickness in itself. Loss of my fortunes, married six times, a rebel in my own family and community, was a path I eventually trudged alone and bereft. My familial culture and religious conditioning, and many of my lifelong beliefs betrayed me. I had to start over. This is the story of my personal journey. How a deeper understanding brought me peace and contentment. Through divine grace I became free to forgive myself, love myself and move forward in my elder years with passion and purpose. I have no fear of dying knowing how to truly live. Being here now, allowing and accepting each moment, is better than all my ambitious doings. This is a joy accessible to those with an open heart.
